1. You really burn a LOT of calories circling the alcohol cabinet
2. That pasty “oh god I’m about to chew my arm off” look is really hot right now on the Versace runway
3. The three Tic Tacs that you accidentally popped in your mouth taste better than sex
4. Your house is really, really, really clean
5. That circling the alcohol cabinet one, again
6. Your legs are shaven (what the hell else is there to do)?
7. You save a lot of cash by not eating out. (Paul: “I cannot FATHOM the idea of watching someone at the table next to me drink wine. A#%holes.”)
8. In connection to #7, you really brush up on your perezhilton.com celebrity news.
9. Your kids really brush up on their perezhilton.com celebrity news.
10. You have a new appreciation for the poor souls who lived through prohibition. That would’ve sucked.
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Hilarious….but true!