My son is 10.
A few weeks ago my husband found some suspicious Google search terms in the history of our iPad. ‘Vidios of naked girls’ popped up first. It took a second for my brain to register what had happened (after I asked Paul if he was SURE it wasn’t his doing). I then freaked out, totally and completely, and nearly threw up after clicking on a few of the links that he surely saw.
Wtf?? I know this is a different generation. But really? A 10 year old, interested in sex? Maybe we’re naive. Ok, now I realize that we were really clueless. And we should have installed the proper software to ban these sites already. The guilt I feel over not doing this sooner is enormous.
After coming to my senses a little bit, and talking to other moms and a great pediatrician, I realized that A) this IS a different generation and we just need to get used to it – these kids are exposed to so much more than we were, and their innocence is incredibly hard to preserve; B) we DO all need to stop deluding ourselves that our kids are different, ‘younger’ than other 10 years olds; and C) that an event like this is merely another open door to communication, and not something to freak out about.
I did approach my son, after some heavy thinking about what to say, and tried really hard not to make him feel shamed. It was awkward, and he didn’t want to talk about anything, or ask questions about what he saw. I just kept telling him that it’s ok to come to us with any questions, and he will surely see other images down the road that are way too mature for him.
I can’t believe we’ve crossed this threshold, it kind of blows my mind.
Would love to hear from anyone else who’s had this experience!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a 10 year old daughter. (well, she’ll be 10 in May) And, I truly believe she IS still innocent. That being said, I know it’s coming right around the corner and am dreading it terribly. She recently had the whole Learning about your body deal at school and I was so ashamed with myself for putting off talking with her about it BEFORE that came along. I am just as embarrassed as she is so, that is probably the biggest reason I put it off. Luckily, her dad is in her life and is a WONDERFUL father to her and, she isn’t afraid to ask him questions. (and he just LOVES that hahaha). So, she does not hesitate to ask questions. We answer with as much information as we feel she needs and, if it’s not enough, she asks. I also have a 19 yr old daughter and do vaguely remember her going through this. She had no cell phone growing up and no internet access without parents being present whatsoever for the above reason. You had NO reason to think that you should be blocking him from those things because, as you said, he is just 10. This generation scares me and upsets me. As much as I hate it, all I can do is try my best to make sure she is educated enough so that she doesn’t fall victim to her ignorance in a way that may traumatize her forever. I believe that teaching your son that, although it is normal to be curious about the anatomy, women are to be respected (of course you will want to teach him that, please don’t read anything into that, as though I’m saying you won’t) But, I do think that nowadays people just are too uncomfortable to talk to their children and don’t or, just plain lazy! If you want to raise a boy to be a real man that you can be proud of and that any girl would be lucky to have, that age is a good age to start. I think how you dealt with it was great. And, even though he didn’t really want to talk about it, he knows that the line of communication is open and that he isn’t a “weirdo” for what he did. I know this probably didn’t really “help” but, maybe something I said made it worth reading through all of this. haha Have a great day! And good luck with the little one!
Amy, my five year old daughter just asked me “Why can’t I play with my vagina?”
I had to turn my head while I quietly died with laughter. I wanted to say “Because there is plenty of time for that, don’t want to wear it out.” Instead I tell her this wonderful piece of information “You wouldn’t want it to get germs and burn when you pee.” Awesome advice, eh? She seemed the be ok with it – for now.
Omg. So funny.
I think you may be mis-under-remembering (sic.) the past. I was definitely less than 10 years old when some kid brought big brother’s dirty magazine to school, hidden like a treasure in his backpack. I still grew up to be a happy, productive and responsible member of society.
I have 3 girls, 16,15 and 5 and I am a tech guy. All three have unfettered access to the Internet. Their computers were not (for the older girls who now have laptops and therefore can use them anywhere) and are not (for the little one) in their rooms, but are in a common room. I CAN block and wall-off and bubble-wrap, but I choose not to.
We’ve always talked about the fact that the Internet has places that are right and wrong for them to go, and even the five year old is self editing; she has been taught to, and in fact does, ask Mom, Dad or her big sisters about any website that she has not gone to before. I know that not everyone believe this, but at our home, we believe that the open exchange of information, in an age appropriate way, is the only path to success because sooner or later you will not be in the room when your kid needs to make the right choice. They wont learn to make the right choices if they don’t have practice. My 16-yo just finished at the head of her class and got several big scholarship offers to university for next year, so I think we’re doing something right.
I think the fact that your son was searching for this content suggests that whether or not you are ready, he is ready to find out about this stuff.
First of all, looking at naked girls does not automatically mean that it had anything to do with sex, but most likely the curiosity of what a naked body of the opposite looks like (totally normal). Children are so curious about many different subjects, including their bodies. It is so important that the adults in their lives to be mindful about being available to answer questions or just telling them it’s NORMAL to be curious about such things, rather than making it so taboo. Give age appropriate advice! “I know you may be curious about what a naked girl looks like but the internet isn’t a safe place to find that.” and maybe offer a more “medical” picture to look at together and be open to questions. Because again, the human body should not be taboo. The comment from “Friend” about telling her daughter that she may get germs and burn when she pee’s from touching herself is so off! So negative! Again, totally natural for a child to be curious!! Age appropriate advice to a 5 year old could be ” it is totally normal to be curious about your vagina. It is a very delicate and private part of your body. So clean hands and privacy are important” Please educate yourselves about how to talk to your children in a HEALTHY way when it comes to their bodies and sexuality! There are a lot of great books on the subject!
Awesome to hear you were conscious of not shaming him. In my opinion, the important things to stress about sex are to always keep it safe, consensual, and respectful. Nature will take care of the rest. A later talk about how women’s bodies are portrayed in porn and the media might not hurt either.