Trisha and I stopped by the Today Show this morning to chat with Natalie Morales (who’s about to turn 40!) about the issues for moms as they reach this milestone.
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We are hosting a Fresh Air Fund child this week (“L”), and we’ve received the most wonderful gift in this 7 year-old little girl: Perspective. In watching this child (who’s staying with us for a week, from the Bronx), spread her wings like a little butterfly, overcome with joy by the smallest of things, has been overwhelming for all of us. This week has been a week of firsts: First ride on a swing, first bathing suit, first time seeing the sand, and an ocean, first time in a pool, first time eating grilled cheese.
She doesn’t whine over not getting the seat she wants in a movie theatre. She’s just in awe of the big screen in front of her.
She talks of the tough, heart-wrenching things going on in her life without knowing there’s anything different in the world. And hopefully, after this week, there will be the tiniest inkling inside her heart that maybe, just maybe, things don’t always have to be that way.
Thank you, little L. You’ve been our gift.
Amy here.
It’s not her fault. She had me when she was a teenager, and somehow, she kind of got stuck in that mode – she never had a young adulthood. She got robbed of so many things I got to have — fun high school parties, homecomings, getting into college, going off to college, a serious college boyfriend.
Graduating college, moving to NYC with no money in my pocket and being thrilled to sit on my little stoop smoking a cigarette in the east village with my three roommates, barely surviving. After sending 300 resumes, finally getting my first job in the big city. Not knowing it then, but meeting the love of my life at that first job, who is now my husband. And so my adult life officially began.
Now, living in a small town in MA, with two kids, I can’t blame my mom, really, for not reaching out, for only seeing her grandkids twice in their little lifetimes. My kids are my everything, and I can’t imagine not ever seeing them, not knowing who they’ve become, not meeting their husbands and children.
But sometimes, you can’t know what a person goes through in their own life, and what they are capable of, or not. I don’t think my Mom is truly capable of being vulnerable enough to let anyone — even US — in. She was a great mom when I was younger, when I really needed her. Maybe as I got older she didn’t quite know how to be anymore. She lives a good life, albeit a solitary one, by choice, and though it’s hard for many people to understand, I can’t help but defend her.
It does makes me sad though, and I miss her, even though she’s still there, where I grew up. And I love her, for the lessons she gave me when I was younger, that I impart to my children every day.
My first baby, Sam, was born 8 1/2 years ago. He is changing before my eyes. I don’t know how to deal with his moping-in-the-corner one minute, and calling me “Mommy” the next. For so many years, I looked forward to alone time or date night with a craving deep in my bones. The kids were so little – and I was exhausted most of the time. Now, I find myself wanting to rewind time. I can see it all unfolding before me…he’s almost 9. He’s almost half gone. My first baby.
We had a little gathering Sunday with good friends, and Sam spent most of the time sulking in another room, and I could almost feel him crawling out of his own skin. I secretly followed him around the house, wanting to give him space, but wanting a hug so badly. When he finally crawled into my lap as I was sitting at the table, I burst into tears. I miss my baby, and I desperately love the boy he’s growing into.
I guess that’s what a tween feels like…not a baby, not a teenager, but trying to hang on while still moving forward.
I feel the same exact same way.
Amy here…
Paul and I celebrated our 13th Anniversary yesterday, and you would’ve thought we won the lottery based on our waitress’s reaction. It was like we were the last couple left on earth! It’s interesting — being in our 40′s now, with a lot of people we know re-evaluating their marriages, their lives, their choices, being married even a medium amount of time feels like an accomplishment.
But what standard should we strive for? Is feeling ‘ok’ about your marriage good enough? Should we work — really take time to study– how to make our unions that much better? I mean, after the kids are long gone, this is what we’ve got. It just seems logical that we’d want to make that ‘thing’ successful. But it’s tough, and I have a few friends right now just hanging on to their marriages — indifferent, even. “If it’s this hard now, how do I know it will get better down the line?” my friend “Sheila” just said to me. “Maybe it’s time for a change.”
I can’t judge that. We all feel ‘eh’ sometimes, and let our partnerships skate for awhile. Maybe it’s just making sure that somewhere along the line, you take a moment to concentrate on the good – and ask “Who is this guy and why is he in my house?” Now that my kids are older, I’ve completely given up on the dishwasher being unloaded. But watching my 6 year-old daughter stare up into his eyes like he’s hung the moon…that’s pretty awesome, and makes me realize that he loves us all a lot.
It’s Trish…
Oh wow, I had a huge conversation with my 11 year old while on the chair lift skiing last month. Or, I should say, my husband did. I was not happy!
Our oldest daughter is 11 and really had never questioned Santa. Of course he’s real, she’s the oldest of three, why would she think differently?
Well, she straight up asked the question to my husband…”Dad, is Santa real?” I mean , I get it, I would be stumped by this question. But my answer would be: ‘You have to believe to receive’.
Or I’d lie with a straight up “Yes honey, he’s real”. In my mind, that’s the magic of Christmas.
But No……..he says. “Only in spirit”…..WTF?? Really? ‘So there’s no guy that comes to the house….no North Pole?’. I had tears in my eyes. How can this conversation be happening? I’m not ready for this!
Eric and I had a long conversation about this. I was so upset. How could we have had such different answers?
He calmed me and reminded me that she was almost in middle school. It’s time for her , when she asks, to know some of these realities. I’m still not sure I agree, but it has made me think about the next few years of her life. The decisions I will have to make and that honesty, not my protective nature may be the way to go.
Not sure.
It’s Trish…
I have a friend who is going through a rough time in her marriage. One of their issues was her husband felt her priorities were off. He asked why she needed to spend time with these other women that he knew was not adding value to who she was as a person, and took her away from her family. We had a long conversation about this. She really didn’t enjoy her time with these ‘friends’. She felt incredibly guilty for leading them on for so long. It WAS time for a mommy break-up.
It made me think how important it is to continuously, consciously realign your priorities. We are such on the go go go, that we forget why we are doing the things we do. It’s so easy to let the things you care about slip to the side. Consciously surrounding ourselves with people that bring out the best in us, allows you to be the best you.
So a good friend of ours announced that, although he’s happily (subjective, yes, like all of us) married, with two small kids, and getting a vasectomy since they’re definitely done having kids, he’s decided to ‘save’ some sperm. Just ‘put it aside,’ in case.
“Uh… in case of what?” we asked. “You know, in case. You just never know what could happen in life. If I need it, for my 25 year-old second wife down the line, for another kid…well, it’ll be there. Kind of like a security deposit.”
Hmmm. Sounds kind of douche-y, I know. But it does make you think. The finality of a vasectomy seems startling. As Paul and I grapple with this very idea, I feel myself turning away from the option. I mean, yes, we’re done. I know we’re happy with our two kids, but I’m still…my eggs…are still probably kind of GOOD, y’know? Ugh, I don’t know. The whole thing just wreaks of…we’re getting older. So weird.
Trisha here….
I have been harboring a Dirty Little Secret for quite some time, you may have noticed. I HATE TO BLOG.
For some reason I have made my poor co-author take on all the work. Maybe because I hate to expose myself or maybe because my typing skills are not what they should be. But in any case, I have had this block and I just don’t want to. Today, Amy had an intervention with me….a sit down. An honest to god sit down about Blogging. It made me think more…..what is it that we all are searching for that we turn to blogs and social media for information? What is it that we want to discover in each others lives?What are we searching for? I thought as Authors we chose to write books and use that as our vehicle to communicate. But as sociologists, we discover and uncover new things everyday. Insights that might offer one mom relief or make another mom laugh. I came to realize that blogging is really is a way to reach out and communicate with each other, guide each other and know that we are not alone in our everyday lives as moms. It’s what we all need.
